NEW MOON REVIEW

First, let me be honest. I never saw Twilight. I've never even read a book where a vampire was a character-but before you bite me, read my take on the newest installment of this series that has sunken its teeth into teenage girls and their lonely moms everywhere (I'll try to stop the vampire puns, if possible.)

NEW MOON sees the return of our heroes, that pale guy with the cool hair and that skinny girl who never smiles. At the end of the first film, Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart found themselves turned into real life vampires who can only come out at night cloaked in clever disguises because if they ever walked into the light their obsessed fans would tear them to pieces. NEW MOON continues to play on this theme with that other muscular guy who's in the movie saying, "It's gotten to the point where I can't even do laundry in my building. The women rip my shirts and underwear before I get them washed. As a result, I haven't put on a shirt in days." Now, this is only the story behind the story. The actual plot of NEW MOON tells the saga of a brooding vampire stud who stares longingly into the eyes of his dour girlfriend for hours at a time in perfectly lit, CGI enhanced backdrops. The couples staring and brooding is only broken by the phases of the moon, which are: New, Waxing, Waning, and that phase that makes that guy turn into a scary wolf.

This film is recommended for pale people, blood donors, and anyone who wants to make Stephenie Meyer richer.

G-FORCE CRITIQUE

Jerry Bruckheimer is good at two things: greenlighting massive explosions and turning American dollars into "Brucks" aka: money in his pocket aka: box-office gold. He was probably landing his helicopter on his boat one day when he had this thought, "Actors? I don't need no stinkin' actors." And the idea for G-force was born. Why not have a bunch of CGI nerds create an elite team of Guinea Pigs to blow things up and save the world? But why Guinea Pigs Mr. Bruckheimer? Why the hell not Guinea Pigs, oh ye of rodent discrimination? Besides, insiders know that the CGI hamster union in Hollywood are a bunch of primadonas (they hang out with Megan Fox, and Jerry B hates her after she attacked his bromance with Michael Bay)

Also, the Guinea Pig geeks work for half the salary of other CGI rodent creators. That means more money in that bloated Disney budget for cinematic firebombs! While Bruckheimer produced the movie, it was directed by someone named "Hoyt Y Doyoucare" I think he may be a CGI Guinea Pig as well. Even without the voice talent of Nicolas Cage, Penelope Cruz, and other A-list stars cashing a check, this film would make millions of "Brucks," but you and your whiny children should wait for the DVD. It's basically "Spy Kids" if the kids were covered in fur and smelled like they slept in cedar chips soaked with their own urine.

(Brendan Blowers never saw Spy Kids either)

(CGI Guinea Pigs WERE hurt during the making of this film!)

GHOST OF GIRLFRIENDS PAST CRITIQUE

I bet Mcconaughey came up for the idea for this his latest romantic comedy vehicle during a naked bongo playing session. If this movie takes him on a tour of all his past girlfriends, it must be 10 hours long. That guy's perma-naked torso chases more skirt than his homestate of Texas has gun-wielding cowboys. I'm not a Mcconau-hater, but his movies don't interest me at all because they are the same story rehashed over and over. In every one an aw-shucks Matthew gets, loses, and gets the girl again--the climax occuring over a musical montage of that annoying "Pictures of You, Pictures of Me" song that seems to have been written by a five-year old. This analysis, of course, comes from only watching trailers for Mcconaughey movies that appear on my television before I can hit the "mute" button.

Critique of FAST AND FURIOUS

Wow. Finally Hollywood does something truly original. This movie is guaranteed to be unlike anything you have ever seen before. First of all, the utterly original plot is about illegal street car racing-Has another movie ever been made about this subject?! I will bet my own crappy Toyota Corolla the answer is "NOT EVEN CLOSE."

Secondly, this movie stars Vin Diesel in a macho guy role. A first for this actor, who is really stretching his acting chops here by portraying a character so unlike his other movie roles. When I think of Vin Diesel the first thing that comes to mind is slow, British period dramas, not "fast", and certainly never "furious;" he just might get an oscar nod for taking such a daring role-the academy loves it when actors are cast against type!

If you think you've seen anything remotely like this movie before, shut up, because it is the most original movie ever made. Whoever said Hollywood was out of fresh ideas?

(Oops! I'm being told the picture I ran with this review is from some other movie entitled: "The Fast and the Furious." It clearly has nothing to do with this completely original film I just described. Sorry!)

Critique of KNOWING

If Nicolas Cage told you to do something, would you do it? I know if he gave me that powder- blue-eyed, bucktoothed, earnest look and said in that strange way of speaking of his (where he sounds like his own ventriloquist dummy), "Get off this train or you're gonna die," I would just laugh my "faceoff." That's the problem with this film. A secret code is stumbled upon (isn't it always?) where global disasters can be predicted with extreme accuracy. The only problem is, freakin Nic Cage has the digits! I'm sorry Mr. Cage, but you could not convince me of a global economic crisis-and it's already happened!
Why don't you go back to national treasure hunting and leave the crisis management to the experts at Fox News?
Know what this code means?: 0856309u60934woeuriowueouoi0289r2u

(Answer: avoid this movie.)

Critique of THE WATCHMEN

If you believe the hype, and I do, baby, I soak up all the hype like a hype-soaking machine-then you will know that according to the studio who spent millions of dollars making it, this movie is THE BIGGEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO MOVIES. The only problem is...I don't know who these WATCHMEN are. Apparently, they've slept with the right people, because they are everywhere. I turn on the TV, the watchmen are watching me; I get online, watchmen are watching me; I pick up the US Today, the watchmen are part of every headline and still watching me. I have a few questions for these media savvy watchmen (and forgive me for being so ignorant comic geeks). First, if they are the "Watchmen," why is one of them a female dominatrix? Second, if this is such a huge movie deal, how come I've never seen or heard of most of these actors before? (I thought that one guy with the cigar was Robert Downey Jr., until I remembered he is Iron Man and can carry his own box-office blockbuster. Last, why is that one guy blue? I'm not going to stoop to any "Blue Man Group" references, I'm just saying if he really has his PHD as his name "Dr. Manhattan" suggests, then why can't he afford clothes? Or maybe they won't stay on his electro-radioactive body. I'm confused. He must be a doctor of anatomy for saving the world in his birthday suit like that. There is some unwritten rule in comic book world that if you have a team of superheroes, one of them has to be permanently blue. Oh, and if this movie does become some monumental success, I feel bad for the actor who has his face covered in some bag like a burn victim the entire time. I'm just going to start telling people that's my Uncle Mike in that hat under that freaky-looking bag. Have fun at your complex, multi layered, violent popcorn film, kids. I won't be watching.

Disclaimer: Brendan Blowers has not seen this movie. All commentary is pure assumption based off of his limited resources.

Critique of STREET FIGHTER and the new JONAS BROTHERS 3D MOVIE simultaneously

Unless you are thirteen, both of these movies are guaranteed to suck, so I thought I would review how awesome an entertainment experience it would be if someone had had the foresight to combine these banal story lines. Imagine this, a Jonas brother takes the stage (I can't tell them apart, we'll say the one without a fro) and picks up a candy-colored guitar amidst throngs of screaming tweens (sounds kinky, but it's not). As the Jonas brother begins to strum and play a saccharine sweet song about, whatever their music is about-out of the shadows flies Chun Lee from Street Fighter unleashing a roundhouse kick so furious it topples all of the Jonases like dominoes while their promise rings go hurtling toward the audience in amazing 3-D action. The brother's are physically hurt, but the surprising hotness of Chun Lee has their teenage testosterone stoked. They can't decide if they want to risk their lives or lose their virginity to her. The stage clears into an all out street fight between a made-up video game crime syndicate with phony accents and a Disney marketing team bent on saving their precious golden brothers. Jack Black narrates the whole fight as Kunfu Panda. Did I mention the action would be in 3-D technology? Someone greenlight this sequel!

Disclaimer: Brendan Blowers has not seen this movie. All commentary is pure assumption based off of his limited resources.

Critique of "THE INTERNATIONAL"

I'm so glad someone finally made a movie like this. It sheds light on an important fact that Americans need to know; their banks are trying to kill them. That's right. It's not enough for banks to take your home and gamble your hard-earned money away on bad investments-they actually want to take your life. In fact, if you have money in the bank and are reading this, the only reason you are still alive is because you are worth more to your bank breathing at this moment than you are dead. The same can't be said for Clive Owen's character in this film. He went and pissed off not only his bank, but a lot of other banks all over the world (hence the 'international' tag) and these financial institutions he wronged will stop at nothing to see him go through a series of frenetically edited car chases and shootouts, until finally, either he, or every bank in the world dies. Clive Owen's life, or complete financial collapse. These are the stakes. Go see this movie-just don't let your bank know who you rooted for.

Disclaimer: Brendan Blowers has not seen this movie. All commentary is pure assumption based off of his limited resources.

Critique of CONFESSIONS OF A SHOPAHOLIC

I feel a little strange reviewing this because it's really not a movie, it's a joint Hollywood/Government plot to hypnotize gullable Americans into stimulating the economy. Buy ticket for movie, buy overpriced concessions at movie, exit theater and buy every product placement just seen in movie. The easiest part of this scheme was the so-called "plot." Take "The Devil Wears Prada" and remove "The Devil," and you're left with a two-hour long commercial for overpriced consumer fashion products. So my advice is, resist the urge to splurge, if you like Isla Fisher stay home and watch Wedding Crashers instead.

Disclaimer: Brendan Blowers has not seen this movie. All commentary is pure assumption based off of his limited resources.

Critique of PUSH

What do you get when you film the equivalent of eating an entire psychodelic mushroom pizza after midnight then trying to sleep on the rotating bed from Austin Powers? Why, the movie PUSH of course! I have a feeling this movie makes Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind seem like paint by numbers stuff. A sci-fi adventure through my small intenstine would have less twists and turns than this murky bit of movie muck. Will Dakota Fanning's grossly accelerated tween sexuality save the world from an evil government plot? I don't want to find out.

Disclaimer: Brendan Blowers has not seen this movie. All commentary is pure assumption based off of his limited resources.

Critique of THE UNINVITED

This movie is about a young woman coping with the death of her mom by bikini sunbathing and making out with boys. This strategy seems to work until her dad decides to get engaged to Elizabeth Banks. When the girl tries to warn her father that Elizabeth Banks got impregnated by "JD" on Scrubs and then made a porno with Seth Rogan, her dad doesn't believe her. She tells him to google "Elizabeth Banks" on the Internet, to which dad calmly replies, "What's the Internet?" Elizabeth Banks overhears this entire conversation from her scary close-up in the next room and decides to use the power of movie magic to turn the young woman's milk black. This scares the young woman so much, that Ms. Banks decides to make the black milk come out of a keyhole and finally the young woman's own nose. (Spoiler alert) In the final scene the young woman runs out into the foggy woods to scream, giving Elizabeth Banks the perfect opportunity to lock all of the doors and windows. Now, the young woman has no choice but to press her silhouette up against every window of the house while Ms. Banks and the dad refuse to "invite" her to watch reruns of Scrubs. As you can see, this movie has the right formula for a modern horror blockbuster.



Disclaimer: Brendan Blowers has not seen this movie. All commentary is pure assumption based off of his limited resources.

Critique of PAUL BLART: MALL COP

The only thing you need to know about this movie is that it has a winning comedic combination; a fat man and a segway. And when Kevin James as "Blart" isn't riding a segway through the mall, it appears he is falling down and/or sliding on the ground. I guarantee the more times Kevin James' flab slaps the squeeky, shiny mall floor, the better this movie will be. And judging by the previews...this has the potential of being a VERY good movie. I could watch 90 minutes of Kevin James just slamming into the storefront window of a Brookstone and consider it worth the price of admission. "Paul Blart: Mall Cop" appears to have falling-down humour thoroughly covered-plus sweet segway action. So, don't walk; instead run, stumble and fall to this movie immediatley. Unless of course you own a segway-than take that.


Disclaimer: Brendan Blowers has not seen this movie. All commentary is pure assumption based off of his limited resources.

Critique of The Reader

Kate Winslet was nominated for an oscar for her performance in this film. I have no idea what it is about. It seems like she plays a subtly attractive woman who reads Nazi stories to little kids. Or, maybe someone reads Nazi stories to her? Either way, there is a lot of reading and talking about Nazis. Who would want to see a movie like that?


Disclaimer: Brendan Blowers has not seen this movie. All commentary is pure assumption based off of his limited resources.

Critique of Gran Torino

After being subjected to countless previews for this Clint Eastwood film. All I can say is that Clint Eastwood has finally achieved an all important milestone. He has become a crotchety old man. I believe he even growls the lines, "Get off my lawn!" No wonder critics are saying how "believable" his acting is. If you enjoy watching a cranky senior threaten young people with the ever imposing "finger gun" go see this film!





Disclaimer: Brendan Blowers has not seen this movie. All commentary is pure assumption based off of his limited resources.