Unless you are thirteen, both of these movies are guaranteed to suck, so I thought I would review how awesome an entertainment experience it would be if someone had had the foresight to combine these banal story lines. Imagine this, a Jonas brother takes the stage (I can't tell them apart, we'll say the one without a fro) and picks up a candy-colored guitar amidst throngs of screaming tweens (sounds kinky, but it's not). As the Jonas brother begins to strum and play a saccharine sweet song about, whatever their music is about-out of the shadows flies Chun Lee from Street Fighter unleashing a roundhouse kick so furious it topples all of the Jonases like dominoes while their promise rings go hurtling toward the audience in amazing 3-D action. The brother's are physically hurt, but the surprising hotness of Chun Lee has their teenage testosterone stoked. They can't decide if they want to risk their lives or lose their virginity to her. The stage clears into an all out street fight between a made-up video game crime syndicate with phony accents and a Disney marketing team bent on saving their precious golden brothers. Jack Black narrates the whole fight as Kunfu Panda. Did I mention the action would be in 3-D technology? Someone greenlight this sequel!
Disclaimer: Brendan Blowers has not seen this movie. All commentary is pure assumption based off of his limited resources.
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