Critique of STREET FIGHTER and the new JONAS BROTHERS 3D MOVIE simultaneously

Unless you are thirteen, both of these movies are guaranteed to suck, so I thought I would review how awesome an entertainment experience it would be if someone had had the foresight to combine these banal story lines. Imagine this, a Jonas brother takes the stage (I can't tell them apart, we'll say the one without a fro) and picks up a candy-colored guitar amidst throngs of screaming tweens (sounds kinky, but it's not). As the Jonas brother begins to strum and play a saccharine sweet song about, whatever their music is about-out of the shadows flies Chun Lee from Street Fighter unleashing a roundhouse kick so furious it topples all of the Jonases like dominoes while their promise rings go hurtling toward the audience in amazing 3-D action. The brother's are physically hurt, but the surprising hotness of Chun Lee has their teenage testosterone stoked. They can't decide if they want to risk their lives or lose their virginity to her. The stage clears into an all out street fight between a made-up video game crime syndicate with phony accents and a Disney marketing team bent on saving their precious golden brothers. Jack Black narrates the whole fight as Kunfu Panda. Did I mention the action would be in 3-D technology? Someone greenlight this sequel!

Disclaimer: Brendan Blowers has not seen this movie. All commentary is pure assumption based off of his limited resources.

Critique of "THE INTERNATIONAL"

I'm so glad someone finally made a movie like this. It sheds light on an important fact that Americans need to know; their banks are trying to kill them. That's right. It's not enough for banks to take your home and gamble your hard-earned money away on bad investments-they actually want to take your life. In fact, if you have money in the bank and are reading this, the only reason you are still alive is because you are worth more to your bank breathing at this moment than you are dead. The same can't be said for Clive Owen's character in this film. He went and pissed off not only his bank, but a lot of other banks all over the world (hence the 'international' tag) and these financial institutions he wronged will stop at nothing to see him go through a series of frenetically edited car chases and shootouts, until finally, either he, or every bank in the world dies. Clive Owen's life, or complete financial collapse. These are the stakes. Go see this movie-just don't let your bank know who you rooted for.

Disclaimer: Brendan Blowers has not seen this movie. All commentary is pure assumption based off of his limited resources.

Critique of CONFESSIONS OF A SHOPAHOLIC

I feel a little strange reviewing this because it's really not a movie, it's a joint Hollywood/Government plot to hypnotize gullable Americans into stimulating the economy. Buy ticket for movie, buy overpriced concessions at movie, exit theater and buy every product placement just seen in movie. The easiest part of this scheme was the so-called "plot." Take "The Devil Wears Prada" and remove "The Devil," and you're left with a two-hour long commercial for overpriced consumer fashion products. So my advice is, resist the urge to splurge, if you like Isla Fisher stay home and watch Wedding Crashers instead.

Disclaimer: Brendan Blowers has not seen this movie. All commentary is pure assumption based off of his limited resources.

Critique of PUSH

What do you get when you film the equivalent of eating an entire psychodelic mushroom pizza after midnight then trying to sleep on the rotating bed from Austin Powers? Why, the movie PUSH of course! I have a feeling this movie makes Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind seem like paint by numbers stuff. A sci-fi adventure through my small intenstine would have less twists and turns than this murky bit of movie muck. Will Dakota Fanning's grossly accelerated tween sexuality save the world from an evil government plot? I don't want to find out.

Disclaimer: Brendan Blowers has not seen this movie. All commentary is pure assumption based off of his limited resources.