Critique of THE WATCHMEN

If you believe the hype, and I do, baby, I soak up all the hype like a hype-soaking machine-then you will know that according to the studio who spent millions of dollars making it, this movie is THE BIGGEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO MOVIES. The only problem is...I don't know who these WATCHMEN are. Apparently, they've slept with the right people, because they are everywhere. I turn on the TV, the watchmen are watching me; I get online, watchmen are watching me; I pick up the US Today, the watchmen are part of every headline and still watching me. I have a few questions for these media savvy watchmen (and forgive me for being so ignorant comic geeks). First, if they are the "Watchmen," why is one of them a female dominatrix? Second, if this is such a huge movie deal, how come I've never seen or heard of most of these actors before? (I thought that one guy with the cigar was Robert Downey Jr., until I remembered he is Iron Man and can carry his own box-office blockbuster. Last, why is that one guy blue? I'm not going to stoop to any "Blue Man Group" references, I'm just saying if he really has his PHD as his name "Dr. Manhattan" suggests, then why can't he afford clothes? Or maybe they won't stay on his electro-radioactive body. I'm confused. He must be a doctor of anatomy for saving the world in his birthday suit like that. There is some unwritten rule in comic book world that if you have a team of superheroes, one of them has to be permanently blue. Oh, and if this movie does become some monumental success, I feel bad for the actor who has his face covered in some bag like a burn victim the entire time. I'm just going to start telling people that's my Uncle Mike in that hat under that freaky-looking bag. Have fun at your complex, multi layered, violent popcorn film, kids. I won't be watching.

Disclaimer: Brendan Blowers has not seen this movie. All commentary is pure assumption based off of his limited resources.