G-FORCE CRITIQUE

Jerry Bruckheimer is good at two things: greenlighting massive explosions and turning American dollars into "Brucks" aka: money in his pocket aka: box-office gold. He was probably landing his helicopter on his boat one day when he had this thought, "Actors? I don't need no stinkin' actors." And the idea for G-force was born. Why not have a bunch of CGI nerds create an elite team of Guinea Pigs to blow things up and save the world? But why Guinea Pigs Mr. Bruckheimer? Why the hell not Guinea Pigs, oh ye of rodent discrimination? Besides, insiders know that the CGI hamster union in Hollywood are a bunch of primadonas (they hang out with Megan Fox, and Jerry B hates her after she attacked his bromance with Michael Bay)

Also, the Guinea Pig geeks work for half the salary of other CGI rodent creators. That means more money in that bloated Disney budget for cinematic firebombs! While Bruckheimer produced the movie, it was directed by someone named "Hoyt Y Doyoucare" I think he may be a CGI Guinea Pig as well. Even without the voice talent of Nicolas Cage, Penelope Cruz, and other A-list stars cashing a check, this film would make millions of "Brucks," but you and your whiny children should wait for the DVD. It's basically "Spy Kids" if the kids were covered in fur and smelled like they slept in cedar chips soaked with their own urine.

(Brendan Blowers never saw Spy Kids either)

(CGI Guinea Pigs WERE hurt during the making of this film!)

Critique of STREET FIGHTER and the new JONAS BROTHERS 3D MOVIE simultaneously

Unless you are thirteen, both of these movies are guaranteed to suck, so I thought I would review how awesome an entertainment experience it would be if someone had had the foresight to combine these banal story lines. Imagine this, a Jonas brother takes the stage (I can't tell them apart, we'll say the one without a fro) and picks up a candy-colored guitar amidst throngs of screaming tweens (sounds kinky, but it's not). As the Jonas brother begins to strum and play a saccharine sweet song about, whatever their music is about-out of the shadows flies Chun Lee from Street Fighter unleashing a roundhouse kick so furious it topples all of the Jonases like dominoes while their promise rings go hurtling toward the audience in amazing 3-D action. The brother's are physically hurt, but the surprising hotness of Chun Lee has their teenage testosterone stoked. They can't decide if they want to risk their lives or lose their virginity to her. The stage clears into an all out street fight between a made-up video game crime syndicate with phony accents and a Disney marketing team bent on saving their precious golden brothers. Jack Black narrates the whole fight as Kunfu Panda. Did I mention the action would be in 3-D technology? Someone greenlight this sequel!

Disclaimer: Brendan Blowers has not seen this movie. All commentary is pure assumption based off of his limited resources.