NEW MOON REVIEW

First, let me be honest. I never saw Twilight. I've never even read a book where a vampire was a character-but before you bite me, read my take on the newest installment of this series that has sunken its teeth into teenage girls and their lonely moms everywhere (I'll try to stop the vampire puns, if possible.)

NEW MOON sees the return of our heroes, that pale guy with the cool hair and that skinny girl who never smiles. At the end of the first film, Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart found themselves turned into real life vampires who can only come out at night cloaked in clever disguises because if they ever walked into the light their obsessed fans would tear them to pieces. NEW MOON continues to play on this theme with that other muscular guy who's in the movie saying, "It's gotten to the point where I can't even do laundry in my building. The women rip my shirts and underwear before I get them washed. As a result, I haven't put on a shirt in days." Now, this is only the story behind the story. The actual plot of NEW MOON tells the saga of a brooding vampire stud who stares longingly into the eyes of his dour girlfriend for hours at a time in perfectly lit, CGI enhanced backdrops. The couples staring and brooding is only broken by the phases of the moon, which are: New, Waxing, Waning, and that phase that makes that guy turn into a scary wolf.

This film is recommended for pale people, blood donors, and anyone who wants to make Stephenie Meyer richer.

G-FORCE CRITIQUE

Jerry Bruckheimer is good at two things: greenlighting massive explosions and turning American dollars into "Brucks" aka: money in his pocket aka: box-office gold. He was probably landing his helicopter on his boat one day when he had this thought, "Actors? I don't need no stinkin' actors." And the idea for G-force was born. Why not have a bunch of CGI nerds create an elite team of Guinea Pigs to blow things up and save the world? But why Guinea Pigs Mr. Bruckheimer? Why the hell not Guinea Pigs, oh ye of rodent discrimination? Besides, insiders know that the CGI hamster union in Hollywood are a bunch of primadonas (they hang out with Megan Fox, and Jerry B hates her after she attacked his bromance with Michael Bay)

Also, the Guinea Pig geeks work for half the salary of other CGI rodent creators. That means more money in that bloated Disney budget for cinematic firebombs! While Bruckheimer produced the movie, it was directed by someone named "Hoyt Y Doyoucare" I think he may be a CGI Guinea Pig as well. Even without the voice talent of Nicolas Cage, Penelope Cruz, and other A-list stars cashing a check, this film would make millions of "Brucks," but you and your whiny children should wait for the DVD. It's basically "Spy Kids" if the kids were covered in fur and smelled like they slept in cedar chips soaked with their own urine.

(Brendan Blowers never saw Spy Kids either)

(CGI Guinea Pigs WERE hurt during the making of this film!)

GHOST OF GIRLFRIENDS PAST CRITIQUE

I bet Mcconaughey came up for the idea for this his latest romantic comedy vehicle during a naked bongo playing session. If this movie takes him on a tour of all his past girlfriends, it must be 10 hours long. That guy's perma-naked torso chases more skirt than his homestate of Texas has gun-wielding cowboys. I'm not a Mcconau-hater, but his movies don't interest me at all because they are the same story rehashed over and over. In every one an aw-shucks Matthew gets, loses, and gets the girl again--the climax occuring over a musical montage of that annoying "Pictures of You, Pictures of Me" song that seems to have been written by a five-year old. This analysis, of course, comes from only watching trailers for Mcconaughey movies that appear on my television before I can hit the "mute" button.

Critique of FAST AND FURIOUS

Wow. Finally Hollywood does something truly original. This movie is guaranteed to be unlike anything you have ever seen before. First of all, the utterly original plot is about illegal street car racing-Has another movie ever been made about this subject?! I will bet my own crappy Toyota Corolla the answer is "NOT EVEN CLOSE."

Secondly, this movie stars Vin Diesel in a macho guy role. A first for this actor, who is really stretching his acting chops here by portraying a character so unlike his other movie roles. When I think of Vin Diesel the first thing that comes to mind is slow, British period dramas, not "fast", and certainly never "furious;" he just might get an oscar nod for taking such a daring role-the academy loves it when actors are cast against type!

If you think you've seen anything remotely like this movie before, shut up, because it is the most original movie ever made. Whoever said Hollywood was out of fresh ideas?

(Oops! I'm being told the picture I ran with this review is from some other movie entitled: "The Fast and the Furious." It clearly has nothing to do with this completely original film I just described. Sorry!)

Critique of KNOWING

If Nicolas Cage told you to do something, would you do it? I know if he gave me that powder- blue-eyed, bucktoothed, earnest look and said in that strange way of speaking of his (where he sounds like his own ventriloquist dummy), "Get off this train or you're gonna die," I would just laugh my "faceoff." That's the problem with this film. A secret code is stumbled upon (isn't it always?) where global disasters can be predicted with extreme accuracy. The only problem is, freakin Nic Cage has the digits! I'm sorry Mr. Cage, but you could not convince me of a global economic crisis-and it's already happened!
Why don't you go back to national treasure hunting and leave the crisis management to the experts at Fox News?
Know what this code means?: 0856309u60934woeuriowueouoi0289r2u

(Answer: avoid this movie.)

Critique of THE WATCHMEN

If you believe the hype, and I do, baby, I soak up all the hype like a hype-soaking machine-then you will know that according to the studio who spent millions of dollars making it, this movie is THE BIGGEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO MOVIES. The only problem is...I don't know who these WATCHMEN are. Apparently, they've slept with the right people, because they are everywhere. I turn on the TV, the watchmen are watching me; I get online, watchmen are watching me; I pick up the US Today, the watchmen are part of every headline and still watching me. I have a few questions for these media savvy watchmen (and forgive me for being so ignorant comic geeks). First, if they are the "Watchmen," why is one of them a female dominatrix? Second, if this is such a huge movie deal, how come I've never seen or heard of most of these actors before? (I thought that one guy with the cigar was Robert Downey Jr., until I remembered he is Iron Man and can carry his own box-office blockbuster. Last, why is that one guy blue? I'm not going to stoop to any "Blue Man Group" references, I'm just saying if he really has his PHD as his name "Dr. Manhattan" suggests, then why can't he afford clothes? Or maybe they won't stay on his electro-radioactive body. I'm confused. He must be a doctor of anatomy for saving the world in his birthday suit like that. There is some unwritten rule in comic book world that if you have a team of superheroes, one of them has to be permanently blue. Oh, and if this movie does become some monumental success, I feel bad for the actor who has his face covered in some bag like a burn victim the entire time. I'm just going to start telling people that's my Uncle Mike in that hat under that freaky-looking bag. Have fun at your complex, multi layered, violent popcorn film, kids. I won't be watching.

Disclaimer: Brendan Blowers has not seen this movie. All commentary is pure assumption based off of his limited resources.

Critique of STREET FIGHTER and the new JONAS BROTHERS 3D MOVIE simultaneously

Unless you are thirteen, both of these movies are guaranteed to suck, so I thought I would review how awesome an entertainment experience it would be if someone had had the foresight to combine these banal story lines. Imagine this, a Jonas brother takes the stage (I can't tell them apart, we'll say the one without a fro) and picks up a candy-colored guitar amidst throngs of screaming tweens (sounds kinky, but it's not). As the Jonas brother begins to strum and play a saccharine sweet song about, whatever their music is about-out of the shadows flies Chun Lee from Street Fighter unleashing a roundhouse kick so furious it topples all of the Jonases like dominoes while their promise rings go hurtling toward the audience in amazing 3-D action. The brother's are physically hurt, but the surprising hotness of Chun Lee has their teenage testosterone stoked. They can't decide if they want to risk their lives or lose their virginity to her. The stage clears into an all out street fight between a made-up video game crime syndicate with phony accents and a Disney marketing team bent on saving their precious golden brothers. Jack Black narrates the whole fight as Kunfu Panda. Did I mention the action would be in 3-D technology? Someone greenlight this sequel!

Disclaimer: Brendan Blowers has not seen this movie. All commentary is pure assumption based off of his limited resources.